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Suggestion Box

‘Sometimes I wish I could exist inside a box where nothing was a surprise there is absolutely nothing obscured in shadow and there is no room for emotion. I wish we all lived in those boxes and never met one another and had no fun. It would then be simple to exist and simple to breath.’

Something like these were shouted out to David B right before production week started for our WIP showing. He met me for breakfast after a late night plea that I was feeling way too much and just needed to be in the room with someone so I didn’t spiral down. Down . Down.
I have a feeling in reality the words were closer to
But I think he knew what I meant.I found myself repeating this phrase throughout the week in a variety of ridiculous re incarnations because I knew I was doing the exact opposite. Things were not simple they were wild, fun scary difficult and crazy intense!
I mentioned before how very personal the work I created was and to have that reflected back to me through feedback last Sunday shook me to my core. Not that it was a piece that was uniquely me I did recognise that a long time ago but rather that being uniquely me was enough. I do not pretend that I was up there  as I am in life – wearing giant ox horns and having conversations with inanimate objects gives you that distance – but rather the form I chose to express ideas that are very important to me – the style- is uniquely me! 
Oh the joy to have discovered that. It is something I have been working towards for a few years and to feel that, even if only for a brief moment is invaluable beyond words. I feel I am about to finally retreat to the box because there are parts (if not all) of the that while work I am infinitely glad I exposed were so effective and honest I don’t know how to sit with them right now.
For a while I would like it to be easy to exist. The intensity that drives me needs to be held in check so I can get my breath back.
I think figuring out how to exist in that box and just stop for a while is even tougher than all the crazy wild fun times that have come before.

All suggestions welcome.

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